Would you let your teen have sex at home? | Bakersfield Mom

By her own definition, it?s been ?quite a ride? the past few months for sociologist Amy T. Schalet, author of ?Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex.?

Published in November, her book takes a look at the divergent attitudes and approach of parents in the Netherlands and their counterparts in the U.S. when it comes to adolescent sexuality.?

Schalet?s family is from the U.S. and she was born here. But she grew up in the Netherlands because her father, a biologist, taught at Leiden University. She returned to the U.S. midway through college.

The title of Schalet?s book hints at one big difference between American and Dutch parents that has captured a lot of attention: In the Netherlands, teenage couples are often permitted to sleep together in the family home.

Schalet is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. She has been interviewed on TV and radio and by a variety of online and print publications. She also has written opinion pieces for the New York Times and the Huffington Post.

Recently, she was in Orange County as a featured speaker in the CONSIDER THIS series of discussions presented by Planned Parenthood of Orange and San Bernardino Counties. About 140 people attended the luncheon.

Schalet?s visit and the publication of her book come at a time of intensifying conflict over women?s reproductive rights and access to contraception and abortion.

A tale of two countries

Schalet began her talk by pointing out the much higher rates of teen pregnancy and teen births in the U.S. than in the Netherlands. A 2007 report referenced in ?Not Under My Roof? showed the birth rate among females ages 15-19 was eight times higher here.

More poverty and less access to socio-economic resources is only part of the explanation, said Schalet, who advocates for the kind of open dialogue between American teens and their parents that exists between their Dutch counterparts.

?Dutch teens have better access to sexual health education and resources and they learn more than just not to do it,? she told her audience.

In the Netherlands, most parents view sex as a natural part of a developing relationship between two young people, and that?s why they allow older teenage couples in a serious, loving relationship to sleep together.

In the U.S., we tend to dramatize teen sex, she said, with talk of ?raging hormones? and boys ?wanting only one thing,? and drawing a line of shame between being a ?good girl? and a girl who has a sexual self.

?Dramatization drives not only teen sex out of the home, but also the conversation about (sex),? she said.

Food for thought

One grandmother in the audience, Natalye Black of Irvine, Calif., said the notion of parents validating a coed sleepover for teens had never occurred to her.

?It made me think, well, they?re having sex in the car or at a party, if one is going to be real about it,? said Black, 73, who has six grandchildren ages 15 to 26. ?It doesn?t say there?s a right way or a wrong way, but it speaks to me to ?consider this.??

The national conversation of late is forcing many to think about ?things that are kind of under the table,? continued Black, adding that she plans to discuss Schalet?s research with her family.

?I?m surely going to talk with my grandchildren about it,? Black said. ?It will be interesting to hear what my children ? their parents ? will say.?

Before Schalet spoke to the Planned Parenthood gathering, she discussed more details of her book with The Register.

Q. What do statistics tell us are the most startling differences in the attitude and approach to teen sex here and in the Netherlands?

A. There?s national statistics and then my own research. I would say some of the most startling national statistics are the teen pregnancy and birth rates. Teen pregnancy rates are about four times as high here. Birth rates about eight times as high.

Another very big difference when we look between the two countries is the percentage of young women who are on birth control at first sex. In the Netherlands, 6 out of 10 young women are on the pill at first intercourse and in the U.S. it?s around 1 in 5.

The average age of first intercourse is similar ? 17, 18. But the degree to which they?re prepared at that time is very different. That shows the different attitudes.

Q. And there?s a distinction to be made between the appropriateness of sexual activity in the early teens and in the second half of teenage years?

A. For the Dutch parents that I?ve interviewed, the moment at which a young person can be ready is typically thought to be 16, 17, 18 ? it depends on how conservative vs. liberal a family is, how mature a young person is.

Q. In an interview you did last month with New England public radio, you talk about how American girls face what you call the ?slander of the slut? or the potential of being ?labeled a slut if they?re too proactive around their sexuality.?

A. Yeah, yeah. It?s very relevant right now ? In both countries there actually is a sexual double standard to some extent. Boys are given more leeway than girls. But in the Netherlands if a girl is in a relationship, she?s not a slut. For wanting sex, for making decisions about sex, that doesn?t make you a slut.

What was fascinating about the U.S. is that the label of the slut seemed to be able to be stuck on any girl for almost any reason. It kind of was this free floating label that even the suggestion of sex, as in the case of Sandra Fluke, seemed to give people permission to call young women sluts.

I?ve been following this discussion very closely with Rush Limbaugh, and I think that it is making people come out and say this isn?t right, this is also not healthy. On some level, even though it?s not usually part of our political conversation, we all know that almost everyone in the United States has sex before marriage, usually before they turn 20, and, if not, before they turn 25.

Saddling girls and young women with this double burden, at least this was a problem that I saw in my research, they often felt in their parents? eyes they would be a disappointment if they were to engage in sex or if they already did.

And in their peer culture they were dealing with the potential of being called a slut without having adults who could say, no, this is part of your life that you are allowed to own and make choices about.

Q. How do you foresee your research, or your book, having an impact on parents and teens here regarding sexuality, health and relationships? What would you want them to get out of it?

A. One of the things that I want people to get out of it is just to see examples of how parents and teens can talk about a sexual relationship more openly. Not only is there a dramatization of teen sexuality, but there?s also especially a dramatization of the teen-parent relationship. Like this has to be hard, this had to be embarrassing, this has to be difficult.

Well, if you never talk about it, it is. But once you start it can become something that doesn?t have to be as difficult.

One reason why I try to point this out is that it?s very important, for both teens and parents, that the relationship, the connectedness, between young people and their parents remain. And what I found in the U.S. families a lot of times is this fear of disappointment. And so there?s not a sharing and then there?s hiding and then people just don?t know what?s going on in each other?s lives.

That?s a problem ? especially for girls but also for boys, who don?t get a lot of support in our culture for understanding their feelings, for forming relationships.

? It doesn?t have to be you permit sleepovers, because many American parents are uncomfortable with that and will remain so. But the point is you can maintain the connection and you can maintain a conversation.

? The Orange County Register

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